I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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