dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
