proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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