im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize