when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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