From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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