she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
