I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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