Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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