I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.