you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear