grandma shit on top of the toilet
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
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So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher