I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
