So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
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I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.