It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Found the puke drawer
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.