i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.