guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he thought i was a dude.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
