just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
