So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
