totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
