I cannot find my penis.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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