I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
