Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
