then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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