im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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