i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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