bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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