Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize