Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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