I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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