I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
