This is not my ceiling
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
