I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
