I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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