so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
