My liver just broke up with me...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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