Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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