I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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