it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I cuddled with a man named Pickles