If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
