Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
