I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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