I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
