went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.