And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
