I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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