i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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