so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
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The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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