its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Come on in and take your pants off
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