So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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