why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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