If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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