so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
