we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
