My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
