the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
