She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am naked and annoyed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
