you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
