Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize